'Real' Weddings: Let's Get Medieval

Alright, so I thought I would continue my 'real' wedding series on here. Rather gripe about some mariachi-loving gringos, I'll gush over this medieval-inspired wedding that was featured today on Offbeat Bride and planned by a graduate student! Perhaps I can relate as I am a jobless graduate student with a limited budget and I too am planning our wedding from a distance.

I love how Miss L. incorporated her academic studies with her wedding but did not do complete and utter medieval overkill. It was subtle, elegant and fun. Also, how can you not love that they had foosball and Hungry Hungry Hippo? And rather than have her walking down the aisle, he met up with her where they were going to have the ceremony! Just how awesome and subversive is that? Oh and they got married on a tomb (hmm, maybe we can really have our graveyard wedding!). If Miss L. wasn't already married, I would probably ask to marry her.

Save the Date!

Since we became engaged, Mr. Nee and I had been discussing the possibility of different dates. Initially, we thought we would get married Spring 2011 since I will be in SB this academic year. However, after some discussion, we decided to get married in the fall of 2010. We both love that time of year in SD and if you know me, I have a deep love for all things autumnal especially if it involves pumpkin. So the big day is...


October 10th, 2010 better known as 10/10/10.

Yes, a little cheesy but it will be easy to remember and this sort of day only happens once in a 100 years.

Once we figured the date we began our search for the ceremony/reception site. There is a park near our house that we absolutely love. We have had picnics there, many evening walks and one bad tennis game. We also love this park's history. Over a hundred years ago, this park was a Catholic cemetery filled with Irish, Italian and Mexican immigrants and well, technically it still does. Around the mid-century, the cemetery ceased to operate and was abandoned. In the 1970s, the city decided to turn the space into a park but rather than removing the 4,500 individuals buried there, they decided to remove the headstones and place playground equipment over the graves. The majority of the headstones were discarded but some were placed in a drainage ditch at a nearby cemetery. A few years ago, the city brought back the headstones that were discarded in the drainage ditch and made a plaque to honor those who are still interred at the park. For a complete history check out this awesome website that was created by students at the elementary school next to the park.

Most of our friends loved the idea of having a ceremony based on love, commitment and everlasting friendship on top of those who for so long were abandoned and forgotten. One friend even suggested we do a zombie theme wedding. Now, I really like zombie movies but I don't think I love them enough to base the entire theme of our wedding on that. Another friend suggested serving a fusion of Irish, Italian and Mexican food (for example: blood sausage and micheladas).

We were definitely thinking that this site could also be our reception site but after walking around the park on a crowded weekend afternoon, we figured it might be impossible to reserve that much space and the logistics involved might be a bit too much for us to handle.

I began looking at museums and other non traditional reception venues. I came across a hall in Balboa Park which will accommodate the number of guests and allow us to bring in an outside caterer. Its in one of the older buildings in the park featuring old Mission architecture and a beautiful mural and fountain. Oh and it was cheap, hella cheap. The cost to rent the space for 8 hours is only about a fifth of the cost to hold a reception at one of the museums in the park for 3 hours. So yeah, its a steal. They will set up the tables but we have to decorate and organize the caterer and all that. Anyone want to volunteer to be on our wedding decorating committee? Mr. Nee put in the reservation for it the other and we got it! We are both happy that that weight is off our shoulders.

Since our reception is going to be in Balboa Park, we began to explore other ceremony site options within the park itself. Even though we love Graveyard park, it would cost about $250 for the permit and about $100 for the chair rental, not to mention all the flowers and other decorations. So we are considering the possibility of having a ceremony at one of the gardens like our favorite garden in the park, Zoro Garden. Zoro Garden used to be a nudist colony but now is home to thousands of butterflies in the spring. Unfortunately, we are getting married in the fall when there will be no butterflies and very few flowers in bloom. However, I believe the permit is more affordable than the city park and they will include seating.

We need to make a decision regarding the ceremony site pretty soon as well as the caterer. I am debating on whether or not to go to a bridal expo in Del Mar in two weeks when I am in town for a conference so that I can investigate some catering options as well as taste some cakes. :-) Anyone want to go with me to fully experience the bridal industrial complex?

Wedding Dress Porn

Currently Mr. Nee and I are deciding on a ceremony and reception site (we have it narrowed down to a few locations, we just need to check on quotes and availability). We have also tentatively set the date! However, I will reveal that in a later post. For now, I want to discuss the most talked about item at pretty much any wedding. The dress.

I never imagined myself as the blushing bride nor do I see myself as performing traditional Western notions of femininity but gosh darn I really like looking at and lusting after wedding dresses online. Currently there are three designers that I am totally in love with:

1) Adele Wechsler. Adele is an eco-conscious bridal gown designer. All of her dresses are not only inspired by nature or even socio-political issues (see her HelloAfrica collection) but are also made from organic and natural fabrics like silk and hemp. I saw her designs in the latest issue of The Knot and kinda fell in love with her nature-inspired aesthetic. Unfortunately, Adele's designs are not the most budget bride friendly.

2) The Cotton Bride by Chris Kole. I discovered this designer while cruising Offbeat Bride. All of Chris's designs are made from mostly cotton or silk. I love his attention to detail such as his use of lace and ribbon and other adornments that I usually do not care for. I am currently in love with this dress here. It is so simple and elegant, yet fun and youthful. God, I sound like one of those facebook quizzes. Anyway, like Adele, Chris's designs are completely out of my budget.

3) Wai-Ching. (picture above) Now let's talk porn, wedding dress porn. This designer was another Offbeat discovery, and while Chrissy Wai-Ching's aesthetic is nothing like the two designers listed above, I am in awe of her creative use of dye and embroidery to create truly unique and one of a kind designs. The design pictured here I love and I would love to have done in the autumnal colors of orange, brown and red. I love autumnal colors, however, I hardly ever wear them. My current color palette consists of a lot blues and grays but this may be just due to the lack of availability of autumnal colors at any other time of the year besides autumn. Anyway, unlike the other designers listed, Wai-Ching is slightly more in my price range (still a little bit more than I would like to spend but I think I may have to face reality here) and there is a showroom in LA.

I have been talking wedding stuff with my dear friend Miss Ro and she has kindly offered to altar any dress I may find especially if it is an awesome vintage dress. Since my ring is vintage, I like the idea of having a vintage gown or at least one that has been used. If I can find one, I may have to take her up on that. I might make a trip to LA once or twice this quarter with my mother and maybe a SB friend in tow (anyone interested?) to go dress shopping but I hope to meet up with Miss Ro in San Fran during the winter break to explore the vintage shops there.

When unofficial becomes official...part 2

Once our engagement became official, we decided to tell our family and friends of the news. Mr. Nee promptly changed his facebook status while I wanted to wait until I told my family. I messaged my sister and she was very happy for us and I informed her she would not have to wear a tacky maid of honor gown for the ceremony. I called my mom that morning and she seemed a little underwhelmed. I was hoping she would be a little bit more excited for me and Mr. Nee. I tried calling my dad several times but there was no answer. I called him the following day after I have moved everything into my room in Santa Barbara. My dad, for those who do not know, had a stroke seven years ago. His memory is slowly deteriorating, it takes him longer to process things and physically, he moves a lot slower than most people. I recently found out he no longer knows how to dial long distance phone numbers which explains why he has not called neither me nor my sister in over two years. When I was talking to him on the phone he asked me if I was still single. He has met Mr. Nee several times, we have gone out to breakfast with him probably about half a dozen times, attended several family functions together, and even went on some outings with just the three of us. I told him I was engaged to Mr. Nee and he responded, "Who's Mr. Nee?" Its heartbreaking and frustrating that my father cannot remember who Mr. Nee is. My father then asked me if I was pregnant. This pissed me off so much because he thinks that would be the only reason why anyone would marry me. So I was pretty frustrated and disheartened by both my parents' reactions to our engagement. When I called my grandmother Dot, she was genuinely excited and happy for us, so that lifted my spirits a little bit.

My family lives in Ventura county which is only about an hour or so away from Santa Barbara. I decided to visit them last week since I had not done so in a couple months. My mother and grandmother Elsie seemed much more excited than when I spoke to them on the phone. They wanted to know how Mr. Nee proposed, why we chose a non traditional ring (which they both loved and were completely understanding about), and about the wedding date. My mother and I then had a nice lunch in the local mall and we discussed some wedding details (type of ceremony, bridal party, etc.). I was relieved that she is happy and excited for me and Mr. Nee.

After lunch with my mother, I went to pick up my dad and take him over to grandmother Dot's house. He had completely forgotten about the engagement and seemed shocked when Dot brought it up in conversation. Two of my bjillion cousins were over to have dinner, so it was nice to share the news in person with some other family members.

I thought my family would make a much bigger deal out of it but I am glad they didn't. It seemed like both my mother and Dot suggested that a simple wedding is always the best. If it was up to me, Mr. Nee and I would have a courthouse wedding but I would like there to be some sort of ceremony for my parents and grandparents as well as for Mr. Nee's family to participate in.

"Real" Weddings: El Mariachi

I wanted to create a segment of this blog entitled, "Real" Weddings, where I discuss my opinion regarding "real" weddings in bridal publications, websites, and blogs. Let's just say this first "real" wedding I read about really inspired me to create this segment.

When I went ring shopping with Miss A, we stopped in this one horrible store that made me try on a ring that was worth more than my total assets. It was not a complete loss as they gave me two free local bridal magazines. Mr. Nee and I have decided to have the wedding somewhere in San Diego (not sure yet), so I thought it would be a good idea to see what the city has to offer. In one magazine like so many blogs, websites and other wedding publications, there are the "real wedding" features that showcases a real-life couple's special day. While most of these are fairly typical weddings, one caught my eye and not in a good way.

Enter affluent La Jolla couple, Mr. K and Miss J. The couple met while working at a local hospital as a doctor and nurse. They now own a beautiful home in La Jolla with a huge backyard. Since their home came to define them as a couple, they decided to hold the ceremony and reception at their home. However, their wedding was *gasp* a "theme wedding." Now, I am not opposed to theme weddings especially if the theme holds some sort of significance to the couple (such as couples who do Ren Faires together and decide to have a Renaissance theme wedding). This wedding though, just rubbed me and Mr. Nee the wrong way. First, the theme was "Mexican" or what the couple envisioned as "authentic Mexican." Let me explain. The couple has no ties to Mexico. Neither one identifies as Mexican, has family who is Mexican nor does the country hold any sort of significance to them as a couple. Why a Mexican wedding? Since they love the "soulful" music of Mariachi music they decided to let that dictate the theme of their wedding. The groom decided to dress in a traditional traje suit (which is actually known as a traje de charro but the magazine simply describes it as traje) complete with a black sombrero, silver spurs and black scarf monographed with "Karlos" on it. Mr. "Karlos'" groomsmen also sported the same suits while the bride and her bridesmaids wore "modern attire." The theme does not stop there. They included burros in their wedding and even had a photobooth where people could don straw sombreros and fake mustaches while the Chula Vista High School Mariachi band played in the background. I need to stop here and say, "WTF?" I mean seriously, what sort of Three Amigos bastardization of Mexican culture are these gringos showcasing here?

I have no problem with people who choose to appropriate some aspect of a culture that is not their own, if and this is a big IF, that culture holds some sort of significant meaning for them beyond "I like the music or food of said culture." I wonder if the couple ever during their wedding planning process stopped and thought about the caricature of Mexico they were creating within their wedding. Not only is it a caricature but is also reproducing the oppressive physical and cultural borders that divide the powerful and the privileged within San Diego with the exploited and poverty stricken living in Tijuana (and in San Diego, demonstrating that the border is arbitrary since we are always carrying the border with us and reproducing it elsewhere). They have the power and the privilege to do this sort of wedding while a couple living in Mexico (or other parts of San Diego) could probably not afford to have a traditional, extravagant Western wedding. I can go on about the offensive and derogatory nature of this wedding but I think you all get the idea.

I hope this segment does not become all about critiquing the bastardization of Otherness by Whites. I hope to showcase couples who I admire and celebrate their love and commitment to each other in unique and beautiful ways. But if a stupid, rich gringo crosses my path again, you bet I will blog about it.

When unofficial becomes official...part 1

Mr. Nee and I (Miss Dee) have been together for over two years and for quite some time we discussed the possibility of marriage. We both voiced our concerns, reservations and needs regarding this. Our biggest concern was that I was moving to Santa Barbara for nine months as required by my doctoral program. However, over much discussion, we decided that becoming engaged would be the next step in our relationship. We had not really discussed when was this going to happen but I felt it could happen while we were vacationing in NYC this past August. And, well, it did sort of happened in NYC. Let me explain.

Mr. Nee and I had just come from Astoria after dropping off our luggage at Mr. Nee's friends' house, when we arrived to the Met. Perhaps this is a NYC phenomenon but the tourists at the Met (as well as at the other NYC museums we visited) were particularly obnoxious. They would step right in front of me and take a picture of the painting. Every museum I have been to in LA definitely discourages this because 1) flash photography can lead to deterioration and 2) copyright issues. It is also just very annoying and inconsiderate to everyone else who is smart enough to know that better quality images of the art are sold in the gift store and available free online. In addition to the annoying adult tourists, there were children running all over the place who were encouraged by their parents to "pretend" to touch these famous works of art so that said parents could then take a picture. You get the idea that I was pretty cranky at this point.

After the Met, Mr. Nee suggested we go to the West Village. Not knowing NYC very well, I agreed, figuring there would be fun things to do. After walking for over an hour in what was the hottest week of the year (over 95 F) and not arriving at any set destination, I was needless to say, a bit cranky. Ok, I was really cranky and I took it out on Mr. Nee. After expressing my discomfort and frustration for about an hour, Mr. Nee finally said, "I thought we could look for a ring." I felt like a super jerk. I quickly apologized and we proceeded to walk around the West Village and other parts of NYC. The next day we did look at some shops but just did not find the one. Since we left NYC empty handed, we decided not to announce our engagement until we had found a ring.

The following week with my friend Miss A in tow, we searched for rings in La Jolla and Fashion Valley. I knew right away I did not want a traditional ring. Mr. Nee feels strongly about diamonds and their links to exploitation and violence. For me, diamonds can represent excess, greed and what has become known as the "bridal industrial complex." I also do not find them particularly aesthetically pleasing. However, I do respect those who have chosen diamonds for their engagement rings particularly if to them it represents everlasting friendship, respect and love. So, you can imagine the disgust I felt when one saleswoman pressured me into trying on a $10,000 ring. I made a spreadsheet to help me collect information and also brought along my digital camera to take pictures of the rings. Most jewelers were fine with this and the only place that would not allow this was a name brand jeweler in the mall (they wouldn't even allow me to write down any of the ring's information on my spreadsheet which I thought was really odd, maybe she thought we were jewelery spies or planning to rob the place). I did find some key contenders but not quite the one.

Two days later accompanied by Mr. Nee, we revisited some finalists in La Jolla. I showed Mr. Nee one ring I really liked at a shop called Mario Master Jeweler and Designer. Let me just say Mario and his daughter are awesome. Both are very friendly, helpful and honest. Mr. Nee did not like my selection, so Mario comes out of the back room with several vintage settings. I believe it may have been the first or second one I tried on that when I saw it, I knew it was the one. I know pretty cheesy but it just looked and felt right. Since Mr. Nee and I did not want a diamond, Mario's daughter suggested a sapphire. We must have looked through about 20 different blue sapphires in a variety of shades and levels of brilliance before deciding on one. After we decided, she said it would take a few days to mount and size. I thought Mr. Nee would propose the following weekend when we would both be in Santa Barbara together.

The next morning I was all set to move up to Santa Barbara when I made one final request of Mr. Nee: he get me a breakfast burrito from El Cuervo. As we were about to sit down for our breakfast burritos, I wanted to go to the bathroom to wash my hands. When I came back, there was a tiny little ring box on top of my hot sauce container. Mr. Nee then formally propose on one knee and of course I accepted.