My Feminist Musings

Over the past few weeks, I have been contemplating my position as a bride-to-be and a feminist and how those two identities collide, contradict and intertwine with one another. In my younger days, I had short hair, didn’t wear a bra (most of the time) and was generally angry about the workings of the world. Now, I have hair down to the middle of my back, I covet Victoria’s Secret and have definitely mellowed out. I still have a place for that anger and rage but I think I have been able to become more understanding and focused about the issues I am most passionate about.

There are some who may think that a woman changing her last name is “unfeminist.” To me this is a very tricky and personal decision for every woman who is about to get married. First, there is no one singular socio-political belief system known as feminism. There are multiple feminisms to reflect the diverse experiences of women around the world. However, the underlining goal of feminism is to improve the lives and experiences of women (and men) by ending gender oppression and injustice. Therefore, I find it difficult especially within this context to label the act of changing one’s last name to her husband’s as being “unfeminist”. We currently live in a patriarchal country where surnames are generally passed down through men. Even if a bride were not to take her husband’s last name she would still have her father’s (or some other familial male member’s) last name. There are multiple reasons why a woman may no longer want to keep her last name. Perhaps, she has negative associations with that name such as it is a constant reminder of an abusive or absent father or she may not like the way it sounds or more simply, she wants to mark this transition by changing her last name to her husband’s. Ultimately, this country unlike others, give women this choice. If a woman wants to change her last name then it is HER choice to do so. Now, if the future husband is a complete douche monkey and is forcing her to do this or other patriarchal forces pressure her into it then it is no longer a choice. Currently in the State of California, a man cannot change his last name to his wife’s. He can hyphenate it or they can combine their last names but he cannot take his wife’s last name. Men should be able to be given the same choice for the same reasons I stated above. This is a deeply personal decision and I think it is unfair to judge or label women ‘unfeminist’ if they make a conscious decision to change their name.

What have I decided to do? I’m taking on Mr. Nee’s last name as an additional middle name. First, I want to honor my father and grandmother by maintaining my maiden name. Second, I have become who I am with this last name and I want to continue to do so. Third, Mr. Nee shares a last name with someone who is relatively well known in my field, shares similar research interests, and has a similar first name and I don’t want to have to deal with the confusion that may spur from that. Finally, the most important reason is that I want to mark this transition in my life and show my love and devotion to Mr. Nee without losing me.

Weddings are a celebration of love and commitment. Not only between the two getting married but also for those in attendance, which is why, I'm having my father walk me down the aisle (at least part of the way). Yes, to some, this would seem 'unfeminist.' However, for me, this is best way to honor my father and show gratitude. My father has been through a lot in life and in the last few years has seen little joy. I know that by doing this, it will make him feel happy and wanted. However, he will not be giving me away. I'm a person, not property. I'm not something to be given or received by anyone including Mr. Nee.

I definitely think it is possible to be a feminist and have a wedding, wear the white dress, have your father walk you down the aisle and take your husband's last name. It is about compromise and being open and understanding without forgetting who you are and what you stand for.

ETA: After re-reading this, I realize that this post is incredibly heterosexist and does not address the heartbreaking injustices that many LGBT-identified individuals deal with regarding marriage, name changes and other basic human rights. It is so sad that in this country, marriage is considered a privilege. Everyone should have the right to be able to express their love and devotion to another person in a State-recognized union.

ETA: Ok, I recently found out within the last year or so, California has become an equal name change state. Whoo hoo! Go California!

Post-Holiday Wedding Update

I can't believe it has been a month since my last update! Mr. Nee and I have been busy dealing with the hustle and bustle of the holidays that I didn't have the time or energy to do a proper update. I was also sick for the bulk of the break which was not fun at all.

First, I bought my dress but I am not going to reveal what it looks like. Some of you may know but the rest of you will have to wait until the wedding (or post wedding pics) to see it. My mother is making me a robin egg blue sash with a copper organza overlay to create an inverse patina effect (hopefully). My etsy dress designer has agreed to make a bolero based on the J. Crew dress that I loved.

Second, I took advantage of the major After Christmas sales to get some awesome decorations for our centerpieces. Most of them are Christmas ornaments (or meant to be Christmas ornaments) but since they are in non-traditional holiday colors such as turquoise, purple, and copper I think they won't give off the Christmas vibe. I even got some little woodland creatures for the centerpieces to represent our camping/hiking adventures. Two of the little critters will be our cake topper which is based on an inside joke between the two of us. Most of the ornaments I bought were ridiculously cheap like under $2 or $3. I also bought some from the Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters websites on New Years when they had extra discounts on their sale items.

Third, my sister bought her Maid of Honor dress. It is super cute on her and I think it is very appropriate for the type of wedding we are going to have. I'm not sure how to describe the color of the dress. In the store it looked almost chocolate brown with a blue shimmer but the website says it is "charcoal." Here a picture of it on the Nordstrom website if you want to take a look at it.

Fourth, Mr. Nee and I are still deciding on a caterer. We are leaning towards a restaurant rather than a catering company because they tend to be a little bit more affordable. We are thinking Lucha Libre Taco Shop if the price is right mainly because I prefer their food over El Indio but they will also cater while wearing lucha masks. Mr. Nee believes as gringos that we have no right especially since I blogged a few months ago about an affluent white couple with no ties to Mexico having a really horrible, derogatory Mexican-themed wedding to have luchadores serve us food. Neither one of us is obsessed with Lucha Libre but we both love this restaurant partly because of the lucha libre theme. I don't want to be hypocritical but at same time wouldn't just be so kick ass to have luchadores at our wedding?

Over the next few months we need to do the following:
-Create and send out Save the Dates
-Select a caterer
-Select a someone to bake our cake
-Figure out linens
-Create and send out Invitations

Wedding Dress Update!

There has been some family drama and I am hoping by the end of this week to move on from it. The drama almost resulted in us eloping some time in the coming weeks and just saying "f" it to ever having a wedding. However, this wedding is about us, not them and I need to get over that and move beyond all of it.
I went dress shopping Saturday to pick up my spirits after all the family drama and to try on a few Claire Pettibones to see what I liked and then order a knockoff from online. However, I think I found my dress, unfortunately, it is a Vera Wang, which goes against most of my morals. I didn't think I would be into Vera Wang at all but I fell absolutely in love with this dress. It is completely out of my price range even with it being on sale, and with veil and everything else included ($3200). Before I show pictures of the Vera Wang I thought I would include some other contenders...
Here is a Claire Pettibone, the "Chantilly"



I think this dress makes my booty look lumpy.

Here is another Claire Pettibone "Louise"


This is a Jenny Packam and umm, I have to say I look pretty stacked here.




Now onto the f'ing Vera Wang...



The back...


I loved how this dress made look tall and thin. It seriously looked like I lost 10 pounds.


After dress shopping there was some more family drama (my mother was jealous that she didn't go with me even though this is the only store in Southern California that carries Claire Pettibone besides Beverly Hills and there was no f'ing way I was going to go to the 90210 and she was pretty mean and horrible about it). Upon returning from the store, I realized I will never be able to obtain this dress. I began to scour David's Bridal, Alfred Angelo and other pocketbook friendly designers. Over on offbeat bride someone suggested some pre owned wedding dress sites, so I looked through those for like hours, over and over again but couldn't find the dress then today I happened upon the dress and the seller listed the serial number! Huzzah! Now this makes it so much easier to find the dress. I have tracked down the dress in my size to a consignment shop in Manhattan Beach! It is still quite a bit of money ($1200) but they have layaway which means it is completely doable since I will be getting some money for Christmas. :-) Wish me luck on my LA Bridal Gown Adventure this weekend!

Meltdown

I have had a stressful few days that resulted me in having a bit of a meltdown at an academic conference today (thankfully no one saw me). It was a culmination of many things (mostly non-wedding related) and I am trying to get over them and move on with my life. Before I discuss bad wedding stress, I rather talk about some fun wedding stuff.

I think we have figured out the wedding party. My maid of honor will be my sister, Mr. Nee's best man will be his best friend, the flower girl will be his best friend's daughter and the ring bearer will be my dissertation co-chair's son. I wanted to keep the wedding party small since we are not having a large wedding and I didn't want to hurt people's feelings. One of my closest and dearest friends, Miss Ro will be our officiant. I cannot think anyone else who could perform our ceremony. Since we might have the ceremony at Graveyard Park, I might ask my grandmother Dot to say a prayer for those interred at the park and have the each of the guests place a flower on the memorial. I would like to have more family members involved but I am not quite sure what I would ask them to do or if they would like to do anything beyond just being there to support us. Any ideas?

Now onto the bad wedding stress. I have to have some major work done to my car and its going to cost almost $1000. The day before I heard this I had decided on my wedding dress. A beautiful tea-length linen gown from an Australian designer who will incorporate my love for scouting (for those who don't know: I was a scout for many years, worked for the scouts and now conducting research on the scouts) into the dress. It's exactly what I want but with all this work that I have to get done on my car, I don't know if I can afford it and since I would have to get the dress custom-made and it would be coming from Australia it could take some time until I have a finished product.

On top of all this, I am contemplating going to my discipline's annual meeting in DC this year. Originally, I had not intended to but a friend, Mr. Z, roped me into playing a geography bowl game at the regional meeting and I did pretty well (or I think pretty well for someone who doesn't identify as a geographer). There is some travel money involved in participating and I have found round trip plane tickets (flying out of OC) for only $178. The conference registration fees would run me right now about $150 and hotels are probably about that much a night. I will get some money from my department and there is potential to get travel money from some of the speciality groups. I just don't know though. I could easily present on what I presented at the regional meeting but I am still unsure with my current financial situation.

All this is just too much right now, coupled with some family stuff going on and my increased workload at school. I think I need to get back into working out or at least doing yoga or nia.

When unofficial becomes official...part 2

Once our engagement became official, we decided to tell our family and friends of the news. Mr. Nee promptly changed his facebook status while I wanted to wait until I told my family. I messaged my sister and she was very happy for us and I informed her she would not have to wear a tacky maid of honor gown for the ceremony. I called my mom that morning and she seemed a little underwhelmed. I was hoping she would be a little bit more excited for me and Mr. Nee. I tried calling my dad several times but there was no answer. I called him the following day after I have moved everything into my room in Santa Barbara. My dad, for those who do not know, had a stroke seven years ago. His memory is slowly deteriorating, it takes him longer to process things and physically, he moves a lot slower than most people. I recently found out he no longer knows how to dial long distance phone numbers which explains why he has not called neither me nor my sister in over two years. When I was talking to him on the phone he asked me if I was still single. He has met Mr. Nee several times, we have gone out to breakfast with him probably about half a dozen times, attended several family functions together, and even went on some outings with just the three of us. I told him I was engaged to Mr. Nee and he responded, "Who's Mr. Nee?" Its heartbreaking and frustrating that my father cannot remember who Mr. Nee is. My father then asked me if I was pregnant. This pissed me off so much because he thinks that would be the only reason why anyone would marry me. So I was pretty frustrated and disheartened by both my parents' reactions to our engagement. When I called my grandmother Dot, she was genuinely excited and happy for us, so that lifted my spirits a little bit.

My family lives in Ventura county which is only about an hour or so away from Santa Barbara. I decided to visit them last week since I had not done so in a couple months. My mother and grandmother Elsie seemed much more excited than when I spoke to them on the phone. They wanted to know how Mr. Nee proposed, why we chose a non traditional ring (which they both loved and were completely understanding about), and about the wedding date. My mother and I then had a nice lunch in the local mall and we discussed some wedding details (type of ceremony, bridal party, etc.). I was relieved that she is happy and excited for me and Mr. Nee.

After lunch with my mother, I went to pick up my dad and take him over to grandmother Dot's house. He had completely forgotten about the engagement and seemed shocked when Dot brought it up in conversation. Two of my bjillion cousins were over to have dinner, so it was nice to share the news in person with some other family members.

I thought my family would make a much bigger deal out of it but I am glad they didn't. It seemed like both my mother and Dot suggested that a simple wedding is always the best. If it was up to me, Mr. Nee and I would have a courthouse wedding but I would like there to be some sort of ceremony for my parents and grandparents as well as for Mr. Nee's family to participate in.